OK so we’ve had this conversation before but… WHY is it so very hard to find a swimsuit that fits properly? And before you all suggest the perfect swimsuit I’d like to point out that I have tried on a very large number of the flipping things. I have carefully been trawling the internet for that “je ne sais quoi” since… well, since the last time I moaned about it many times across the previous 12 months! I have managed to buy a bog standard swim suit though to tide me over (no pun intended). Ideally useful for lengths in the pool it manages to both flatten my body parts whilst also contorting elements into something unpleasantly unrecognisable. Bits of me are attempting to squeeze out from behind the non seamed, unstructured fabric and there is a set of straps that could, for all I know, be part of an elaborate cat’s cradle task incorporated into the lycra. I’ve worn it but I’m not happy… and that was after ordering, trying on and returning a variety of similarly styled ‘sports’ swimsuits over a lengthy period.

The task of buying a new swimsuit is not being helped by the need to shop online. Having said that, whilst I keep the Post Office in business delivering / returning parcels, I do not in anyway actually miss the struggle of trying things on in a slightly too small cubicle with unflattering lighting and an ill placed mirror. There is something to be said for trying things on in the comfort of your own home, especially when the items are swimwear and you’re delightfully, as advised, keeping your knickers on under the swimsuit whilst trying. Oh the added glamour!

I’ve tried eco fabrics, sustainable swimwear and sea swimming specials all to no avail. I’ve tried upping the amount I’m prepared to spend (to what is quite frankly on obscene amount to fork out on a blooming swimsuit) but this hasn’t worked either. I’ve tried fitted, size specific items that can allegedly control various parts of your body but to be honest many are so constraining or weighty I wonder if they’re really for the water at all. Whilst I ideally want to wear something understated I have even strayed into looking at some of the loud pattern brigade in desperation to find the right thing, but to be honest I really don’t want to be seen in public covered in penguins or pineapples.

The search is not helped by the manufacturers choice of models. Almost EVERY make of swimsuit shows a bright young bouncy woman with a slender, no nonsense figure line, casually perched by a rock pool or sandy beach, with a siren’s smile or aggressive pout. Occasionally they pop in a larger sized woman looking voluptuous and curvy as a nod to women in the real world, but she’ll rarely be over the age of 28. You do of course also get the “now you’re over 40” companies that suggest once you hit 50 you’ll need to think only about modesty, seriousness and tummy control. At least with the younger model sites you can wistfully look at them and remember what you once looked like where as the ‘modesty sites’ present you with a very dower future…

And so the search goes on, tabs left open on Google searches and a feeling of slight desperation that you don’t fit (literally). I will continue to look as it’s that or skinny dipping and I’m not sure Gurnard is fully ready for that. I don’t feel I’m asking a lot, I can’t have such an odd shaped body can I? Of course all suggestions for makes of swimsuit are welcome, although I’ve probably already tried them… There IS a swimsuit out there for me, I just need to find it!